Pants. Not to be confused with leggings!! Those aren’t pants, those are leg coverings and for more information on how to wear those please read my Legging blog. 

This is about wearing real pants.

We all put them on the same way, one leg at a time. 

Something about them sure is tricky tho. Brand sizes are all different. Always having to take into consideration what you will be doing in said pant. What shoes? What shirt? What private garments? Or no private garments? Will they require a belt? Can I sit? 

When shopping for pants always try them on!!!

Then sit. Do they cut into your waist? How much muffin top do you have? (No a nice shirt will not make it a cupcake) Do they make way for a rising flood? Can you stuff a small child in the gap in the back? Can you throw quarters in the slot? Is a whale tail present? Do you look like your plumber Uncle Dwight? 

Then stand. Is the chance of flooding still present? Check thighs and butt area for tightness. Especially the back of the thigh. If they look like they’re being pulled and there’s rippling, they’re too tight. Don’t think that they will stretch out. Only place that’ll give is the crotch seam and that’s not good for anyone! 

Then squat. And bend over. Touch your toes. 

The pants should move without discomfort. And if it’s not working, try a bigger size. No one cares!!! It’s much better to have a bigger size that fits nice then a smaller pair that looks like someone is smothering your lower half, as it fights to get out and breath. 

Now the crotch….

Watch for Alice. 

Who’s Alice you ask?

She’s your camel…toe.

Your Labia Majora.

Check her out. 

Not always is it left to those who sport short shorts, hotpants and tight-fitting clothing. Sometimes it’s a combination of anatomical factors and the fabric of the pant. 

 If you struggle with pants that always accentuate that area, here are a few tips. 

-Wear thicker seamless panties, which are less likely to shift into the folds within the vaginal area (nice visual, right?). Instead, they’ll give you a consistently smooth appearance, hiding lines and creases.

-Steer clear of 100% polyester and really thin fabrics. Linen, spandex and polyester are more prone to show crotch cleavage. Too thin of fabric and tight and low are sure factors of bringing out Alice’s curves. 

-There is talk of hard plastic protectors, cutting cardstock shapes or wearing a thicker panty liner but that is no way to live.

And if you love the pants and think you can live with Alice on Monday at the office, just make sure your shirt covers her. Nobody needs to relive 6th grade Sex Ed or your 8th grade Chemistry teachers brown poly blend elastic waist pant and her Alice. 

Don’t try on men’s pants thinking that’ll mask Alice!!! They have the extra material in the junk that’ll make people really check out that area and wonder if Alice hasn’t become Allan.

In conclusion, just be confident. There are ways around all fashion and body issues and to make the two cohesive and beautiful. They may not be what you want initially, but in the end you will be thankful you did, and others will be too. For no one wants to read Alice’s lips.

One thought on “Alice the Camel

  1. I love you! Best coffee read ever! You crack me up. Daily I find myself doing a legging check and god forbid Alice shows up unexpectedly. I actually want to shop now! xx


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