Everyone has a WHY?

Why you get up? Why you go to work? Why you push forward? Why you wear what you wear? Why you live with stress? Why you workout? Why you cry? Why you love? Why you continue to fight each day? Why you repeat?

Our why is different from the next. Constantly changing as we grow, as life presents us with many gifts; good or bad.

My why is a combination of things.  I dress for who I strive to be everyday and for a push of emotion in the opposite direction of my heart.  Breaking, to allow myself to foreshadow the inside.  Never there for long. For the why pushes through.  For my kids. For my husband. For my friend.  For everyone watching from the shadows.  For myself. For my mom. For my dad.

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My dad. 56 years young. I am blessed to have magnificent parents.  You never realize how great someone is until you’re old enough to understand from the proper level of perspective.  When you’re young you know better of course.  Completely wrong….fool. How much farther ahead we would be if only we had taken the advice and wisdom for exactly what it was worth instead of brushing it off. To go back. But we can’t. We can only continue the path forward.  No going back because we aren’t going that way.

My parents were young when they got married. When they had me. But love was thick for them.  The roads were traveled both with grace and full armor.  It continues with changes and turns.  One turn came almost 12 years ago.

I was 9 months pregnant with my first.  Years of headaches and neck pain finally paid its toll on my dad and an MRI revealed an ugly truth.

A brain tumor. Ependymoma.

I’ve always been the one to be strong. A rock. For when you fall, I will be there to catch. And I tried my best to be through the first surgery. As I stepped aside to allow my father’s family to see him first and I went home. To allow them the peace that he was ok, as one can be, after brain surgery.  I’d be lying if I say I didn’t hold a bit of regret, grudge and bitterness. But never did I show it to them.

I have a belief. I believe in God. I am a Christian. I’m allowed to be proud and stand by it. The day I was told about my father’s tumor was the same day I was calm, I knew all would be fine. Different, sure, but he would come through just fine.

I had my baby shortly after, as my father regained enough strength to come home and meet his first grandchild.

But then the wait. And the wait. For what the tumor biopsy revealed was nothing we had expected or even put in our mouth to swallow.

Cancer. Malignant Medulloblastoma.

Yes that one. A childhood cancer and very rare adult one. Effects 2 people per million per year. The crazy probability of a 45 year old man living with a cancerous tumor that hadn’t effected him until then.

The treatments, the changes, the road they traveled together, I have but only a small amount of knowledge. Their love. Strong. Stronger than anything I have ever seen.  Love I admire. Love you can see each time they look at each other. That I strive to have and to hold on to. Then the calm and the wait.

For only years later would the storm come again. As we batten down hatches, hold each other closer and pray, for not a cure, but for relief. For clarity and strength and steadfast love. For additional days. For the sun to shine bright everyday and never set.

For this is my why. Why I love harder. Why I work harder. Why I do what I need to do. The little things that don’t matter. When the world shuts down and you close your eyes, the lives you hold in your heart are the ones that matter the most. Those in your unsaid prayers. The names that you’ve given to God through your heart song.

So I’ll wear the clothes, as silly as it may seem to some, as fancy and rich for a Tuesday, because its the smile I need. It’s the cheer for a worrisome heart inside a rock. For as powerful that my why is and everything it entails, I know I will go through it all stronger by the grace of love, God and my Tuesday best.

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